Goal Thinking

I believe that it’s time now to start thinking of some goals I’d like to set.  I believe I have the dietary aspects of my weight reduction project taken care of.  I’ve even got the being more active portion taken care of via the pedometer.  However, I want..more.  lol

When I think of me in my 40’s, 50’s, 60’s…these are the physical things I’d like to be able to do:

• I do want a very basic level of fitness, such as being able to do 40 pushups without stopping and something like 2-5 pullups without stopping.
• ride my bicycle anywhere I want to go (including hills and distance)
• dance with a hula-hoop
• dance informally, and be able to use what I’ve learned from hooping, belly dancing, and even strip dancing (no I’m not and never have been a strip dancer, I would just like to be able to …move… in a similar way when I go out dancing)
• rock climbing…though not necessarily out door rock climbing…for now I’m thinking indoor climbing…or something as part of an obstacle course.
• be able to do whatever activity is required of me…kinda like an obstacle course or random exercises/skills
• climbing and swinging around on an adult sized “jungle gym” (more like a compact obstacle course) set up in my yard. (gotta plan it first, then build it, THEN I can play on it)
• maybe do some basic sports related skills such as hitting/throwing/kicking/catching balls and other items.  But this seems more..um…ideal…than something I really really want to do.
• ooh, jumping rope and learning some rope jumping tricks.  I have always liked this, but there’s a certain weight level that I won’t allow myself to jump at…and I passed that weight level a few years ago.
• Various other things that I’d like to be able to do, but not sure how realistic they are, such as being able to do hackey-sac tricks, or skateboarding using the Wave Board..damn that thing looks like fun!!!  Any skateboarding tricks would have to be pretty.. uh… simple… and grounded… lol

Let’s see, jump roping is temporarily out….as is bike riding.  As soon as I’m 150 lbs or less, I can pick those back up with not so much worry about damaging my ankles, knees, or back.  The belly dancing and strip moves will have to wait until I’ve reduced my weight as well…and until my back is stronger and more agile.  (Each time I’ve tried belly dancing, I’d quickly have back issues flare up. )  I think I’ll join the Y or something next year, they have a pool and a rock climbing wall there…I just wish I didn’t have to drive so far to get there.)

Hmm, so I guess I’ll go for hooping, some basic fitness, and plot out my jungle gym I want built…and/or create mini temporary obstacle courses for myself.  Soon I’ll make a page specifically for goals.

IE/ND blogs

Ok, I’ve gotta take a break from trying to find other IE/ND bloggers.  It’s distracting me from doing the things I gotta do.  Ok ok, i know….I’m distracting myself from the things I gotta do….and just using them as an excuse. 

However, if you’re reading this blog, feel free to leave a link to your blog.

(yeah yeah yeah, i know..pathetic marketing)

Sharing Food

This is probably the biggest issue I have regarding food.  Hmm, actually, I’m not sure if this is better or worse than my eating grained foods.

As a child, I grew up with a father who would give us a thin sandwich..and then eat a serving sized plate full of nachos.  Who would get mad at us if our jelly was spread more than showing the bread through it while he layered his on until it would drip out just by cutting it.  Who would tell us there’s no dessert for us, while he’s shoveling a serving sized bowl full of ice cream into his mouth…with 1-2 toppings, whipped cream, nuts, and cherries included.  (and then would yell at us for staring at his food)  Who would get have about 5-7 bags of different types of cookies stashed away in his room and try to hide it.  (could always see the cookie crumbs on his beard and shirt…..oh…and he hid them in the same spots..lol)

I’ve worked hard at trying to be more even when I split up foods between my daughter and I.  I try to make it even…though sometimes I really really want to make it just slightly uneven so that I get more.  I think I’m doing ok at being fair on dividing up food.  There are now times when if I see it uneven, I will deliberately give her the slightly bigger share.

But..

There’s always a but in there somewhere, eh.

I really really really don’t like when I have my meal, she has hers, the whole thing is even, and she finishes hers quickly and then starts pestering me for my food.  If I don’t eat the whole thing, and want to save some, she’ll keep asking me for it.  If I have it saved for when I next want it, she will ask several times a day if she could have it.  Sometimes she will even steal pieces of it from me…and a few times, she’s stuck her dirty fingers into it so I wouldn’t want it anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good kid.  But I do have my issues of feeling as if I’m having to compete for food.  And it angers me.  (the feeling of competition angers me, that is).  I really hate that feeling.  I hope to avoid it by ensuring that each of us get our servings..that the servings are even…and then allow each of us to make the decision of if we want to eat it all now..or a little here/little there…or whatever.  And then insisting on not asking (or demanding) that another person give you their portion.

I dunno, it all sounds so weird…and it feels icky.  Both the problem, and the possible solution.

*sigh*

I spent almost all day on the flippin computer.  I say almost cuz I did get a total of one hour’s worth of walking in.  The rest of it was spent online.  Doing what?  Getting sidetracked.

I did learn one thing though.  I’m awfully glad that I never got into the whole dieting thing that I see many people doing.  Reading some of the blogs…and some of the forums…it seems that many people treat their diets like a religion.  So many arguments and bickering about “the one true way to diet”, “if you’re not doing it our way, your doing it wrong”, etc.  One of the things that’s a bit disheartening in all the stuff I was reading is that I ran into blogs and forums that treat IE/ND in a similar way.  “If you weigh yourself, you’re not doing IE/ND”, “If you limit/avoid a food in any way….no matter the reason…you’re not doing IE/ND”, and “If you’re not doing pure IE/ND, then you’re not as good an eater as *I* am.”  All I can say is Wow.

I just really wanted to find people who blogged about their journey with IE/ND.  I didn’t want to get preached at or “sold” it.

Not everyone was like that, mind.  Some people were coming from different backgrounds than what I am.  As such they have different struggles than I anticipate having. 

Heh, but even then I can’t say the above was the ‘worst’ part of my day.  I went to that stupid forum I really really need to avoid.  Then one that I always wind up feeling so negative afterwards…during.  As such, I didn’t get my walking in until this evening.  Well, the last half of it that is.

I didn’t listen to my body this evening.  I didn’t eat as much as I had on my plate.  But I ate at least two fistfulls of food…one of those fists was ice cream that my body didn’t even want at the moment.  I knew this issue was going to come up sooner rather than later.  I wanted to get this 1/2 pint of ice cream eaten before my daughter gets home tomorrow, cuz then I’d have to share which means less for me, yadda yadda yadda.  lol…I’ll talk about the sharing food issues I have another time.   Next time I’ll get each of us our own pint of icecream per week or so…and if hers is eaten in one night, then oh well…she’ll have to wait.  Yes, I know…not a very “IE” way of doing it.  But I have no intentions of being a “purist” anyways.

*sigh*  sorry for the negativity in this one.  I really gotta get off this computer!!  heheheh

Morning Conversations with my Body

I’m liking this new communication aspect between myself and my body.

This morning, about 1/2 an hour after I woke up, my body informed me that it was ready for some fuel.  I asked it if I could get a couple of easy blocks in.  It grumbled but agreed to wait.  So *clears throat* about an hour later, I finally go for my walk.  Yes, that was mean, but we’re still learning.  Half way through my walk my body informed that it wanted some fuel quite soon.  So upon getting home, instead of laying down to rest my back that was paining me, I pulled out the rest of the spaghetti and meat sauce.  I knew I wanted that, but I wanted it ON something.  So I tossed ideas back and forth in my mind’s eye and finally we settled on some frozen corn.  I poured some corn into a bowl…but out of habit I poured more than I had envisioned.  “That’s too much corn.”  Ah I can eat it, it’s not that much more than you had asked for.  “That’s too much corn.”  Well I can’t put it back into the bag after I’ve already poured it out.  “That’s too much corn.”  But it’ll dirty up another dish for just a couple of bitefulls.  “That’s too much corn.”  Fine.

I pulled out another bowl and pulled out the two extra spoonfuls that weren’t supposed to be there.  Then poured some corn into that bowl being very careful to make sure I didn’t pour too much into it.  Then I divided up the rest of the spaghetti and meat sauce and poured a half over each bowl of corn.  Put my original bowl into the microwave.  Then put plastic wrap over the other bowl and set it in the fridge for later.

After my food was warmed up, I sat down and ate it.  It was a bit more than needed, I can feel my stomach slightly extended.  My body was quite happy to turn its attention towards its own work, though. 

My tastebuds, however, weren’t quite satisfied.  Yes I love tomato based sauces, and the corn was nice and sweet, and the sausage meat had been cooked just right and gave it a nice spicyness…..but my tastebuds wanted something else.  So I tried thinking of what would satisfy the tastebuds.  Each time I would try to envision something, my mind would wipe it out, then my tastebuds would demand attention, so I’d try to envision something, and my mind would wipe it out again.  Finally I decided to settle on some 70% dark chocolate.

I went to the fridge…”I don’t want anything.”  I’m just getting a small square of chocolate to suck on.  “I don’t want anything.”  My tastebuds do and this shouldn’t interfere with what you’re doing.  “I don’t want anything.”  Look, it’s not going to be that big a deal and we’ll both be happy.  “I don’t want anything.” 

I got as far as unzipping the bag its in and about ready to pull out the foiled chocolate.  “I…Don’t….Want….AnyThing!”  argh!  ok ok, fine!  So I put it back into the fridge and plopped down in front of the computer, pouting.  “Thank you.”    Thank You!  for being so patient with me.  I’m sorry I overfilled you.  In sync:  ‘We’ll get the hang of this.’

“I told you so…”

Today went surprisingly well.  Lunch time was kinda funny though.  I’d been thinking of peanut butter earlier in the day, and then later looking through an IE support group.   Someone there had mentioned peanut butter cups.  Oh yeah, I haven’t had those in a while.  I wanted the small ones..the bite size that can last about three small bites or so.  But I knew the local store wouldn’t have them so I was willing to settle for the regular sized ones if I had to.  I did my walking, and then went to the store.  Sure enough, all they had was the king size reese’s cups.  I bought it anyways, and on the way to the cash register I saw the chips and thought “SALT!” so grabbed a $.99 bag of lays potato chips.  I went home, put some chips on a small plate, and slowly ate them, enjoying each bite.  mmmm, salt, yes.  But after about 5 chips or so, the salty taste was a bit overpowering, so I stopped.  But my body still wanted fuel.

So I had one of the reese’s cups.  Blech!  Would you like some peanut butter with your sugar??  Way too sweet.  And a reminder that I don’t like milk chocolate.

Damn, so now what to eat?  I stand in front of the fridge, leaning on the door, looking over the shelves.  I spotted some packaged deli meat that we had gotten for my daughter to have a couple of sandwiches for her school trip.  There were two packages.  Ham, and Turkey.  I didn’t know which one sounded good, but I could feel the texture of the thinly sliced meat rolling around on my tongue…and my tummy growled in agreement.  So I pulled out one thin slice from each of them.  Put the packages back in the fridge, and my eyes glued themselves to the cheddar cheese.  My tummy growled in agreement again.   Normally I slice a very thin slice of cheese as I’m not much of a cheese eater, but I kept getting signals for a slightly thicker slice.  So I cut half a slice.  Was told “more”.  Huh?  I don’t eat this much cheese!  “more”.  Ok, fine, I can always wrap up what I don’t eat.  But I’m telling you… “shut up”.  Fine!

I took a very small bite of the ham…I wanted to enjoy the texture and the burst of flavor.  And sure enough, the feeling of the thin slice of meat rolling around on my tongue was exactly what I wanted.  I felt my body breathe a sigh of relief.. “oh yeahhhh”.  Then I broke off a tiny piece of cheese and let it melt in my mouth.  Surprisingly, the thicker sliceing of it provided just the right texture in comparison to the thin meat.  I read the internet a little bit, then took another small bite of ham.  “oh yeahhhh”.  Then a few small pieces of cheese, with pauses in between.  Then I tore off a small piece of the turkey and popped it into my mouth.  And immediately spit it out…. “plech plech plech…get it off get it off”.  I so did NOT want that flavor!

Very slowly, and enjoying each small …not even bite…I finished the one thin slice of ham and the whole cheese.  I’m really surprised that I finished the cheese!  I felt nearly satisfied, but something was missing now.  Some small piece of the meal.  I looked around the kitchen, then my eyes rested on the bananas.  “Yes!”  Technically I only wanted half of a banana.  But alas, I forced myself to eat the other half as well…since bananas don’t save well and I cringed at the idea of throwing it away.  (I’ll work on this.)

A very tiny lunch (I don’t even want to think about the low calorie count).  But very satisfying as well.  Who knew?

Now if only I could get my body to stop saying “I told you so” and “Ha ha, I know better than you”.

Concern

Today has been my second day of working on the intuitive eating thing.  We had pancakes for breakfast…(see, I said I wasn’t restricting….just limiting access to grained goods).  Ordered them from the local bar that serves food too.  The pancakes were huge!  Bigger than a plate.  We each had half of one pancake and a piece of bacon.  Richard had scrambled eggs with his.  We also had juice.  Later in the afternoon we had the other half of our pancake with another piece of bacon and some fruit.  And finally in the evening we had one hot dog with a bun and salad or carrot.

My concern is….I fear I may begin to undereat and thus trigger the starvation mode.  We have been satisfied with the food we’ve eaten.  Noone’s complained of hunger….even when I ask them.  Plus there is fruits and finger veggies easily available to all.  Noone’s sought out the extra food.  But I am still concerned.

I talked with my daughter earlier this morning.  (she’s 11yo).  I talked about the approximate size of our stomach…and about what I’ve read happens to the stomach when we eat more than it holds…and about how food is for providing energy to our body and when we feel physical hunger then it’s a sign that our body is asking us for fuel.  She understood this part at least because she later told me that she drank all her juice…for it’s taste not for fuel.

My concern, though, comes in part because I’ve been a bit light-headed today.  Below my neck my body has been satisfied.  Actually full after the first meal.   But above my neck has been a different story.  It used to be that when I felt this way, I would eat something….which may or may not have worked….I don’t think it did, but that’s looking back on it so I dunno for sure.  I’ve always had difficulty concentrating, etc.  As well as a bit of a light-headedness off and on.  Flying thoughts etc….  But some of the later stuff could be due to the bipolar thing.  The thing is, I don’t know.  I just know that right now I’m worrying (not yet fearing) that this change might lead to obsessive thoughts of food as well as undereating and all the negative consequences that come with undereating.

For example, right now, below my neck I feel fine (well, except for my darn lower back).  But above my neck I’ve got a lightheaded near headachey feeling.  *sigh*  I just sent Richard to get me some jerky for me to munch on and see if that makes any kind of difference or anything.

I think I’ll just have to keep a close eye on how my body feels and….well…hope that I get in touch with the signs of hunger/no-hunger before anything bad happens.

edit:  ugh, duh!!!  this is one of the reasons why I limited grained goods…..cuz of the whole light-headedness thing.  I’m not saying that it’s the only cause of it.  But I do know that there has been a definite correlation between eating a grained good and lightheadedness for 1-4 hours afterwards.  I’d get lightheaded…it’d start getting worse…so I’d eat some food..which of course like most easy to grab foods had a grained good in it….feel ok for an hour or so and then back to the lightheadedness.  As well as a definite irritability in my mood during that period (lol, more irritable than normal!!).

Ok, so now I’ve been reminded as to one of the reasons I cut back so drastically on the grained goods.  I know that Intuitive Eating (IE for short) suggest there be no limits on the types of foods…as well as not removing an entire food group.  But I guess I’ll have to follow my own intuition on this and keep grained goods as a very limited food.  Not because someone else tells me its not a good food….but because of my own body’s responses to it.  Which….ironically enough…follows the concept of IE.

PS:  I’m still going to have to keep an eye out for potential undereating.  But I think mostly my body/awareness is going to take some time to get in sync.  I just hope it does so before any negative triggers get hit.

Sept 23 ‘07 Weigh-In

Wow!

This morning my weight was 1.2 lbs less than last night (which was the same as yesterday morning).  I’ve actually seen -1.2 lbs show up a few times in my numbers.  Not lately though.  I actually expect to see the numbers jumping up and down a bit before finally settling down.

So, according to today’s numbers, I’ve reduced 11.4 lbs in 7 weeks.  My goal range for this day was to be between 190.8 and 183.8…..and my weight this morning was 186.4.  So, everything is still on track.

Looking Forward to Tomorrow’s Weigh-In

Ok, I weigh myself first thing (after pee-ing) every morning and write it down in a notebook alongside my daily step counts.   I like playing with numbers.  And I like seeing the general downward trend of the numbers.  I don’t get upset if the numbers go up.  And I do smile a bit more when the numbers go down.  But really, it’s just another form of tracking my weight reduction journey.

Daily weigh-ins don’t count “officially”.  The only “real” numbers to me are the ones that I get on Sunday mornings…along side my waist/belly/hip measurements.  It’s the Sunday numbers that I check to see if they fall into the goal range of 1-2 lb a week reduction.  (Believe me, having a range for the numbers to fall between makes a huge difference over some one number set goal.)

 Sometimes I weigh myself in the evenings just before my shower.  These numbers don’t do anything at all for me.  Though I’m trying to see if there is a general pattern in the evening number compared to the morning number.  For example, so far it seems that if the evening number is 1 lb over that morning’s number, then I can expect a .4 or so lb reduction between the evening’s morning and the next morning.  If it’s up to 2 lb over, then I can expect a .2 or so lb increase between the evening’s morning and the next morning.  I’ve never actually written the evening numbers down, so I’m not sure if this is an actual pattern or not.

 THIS evening, however, was kinda interesting.  It’s the first time that I have ever seen the evening number to be the same number as that morning’s number.  It’s like, none of the water I drank nor food I ate added anything to my overall weight.  Could this mean that I didn’t overeat at all today?  Could this mean that the Intuitive Eating thing might actually help the weight reduction?  (Honestly, I think one day is way way too early to determine that anyways.) 

I’m very much looking forward to tomorrow’s weigh-in…to see how it changes in the morning.  Even more so since tomorrow counts as an “official” weigh-in….measurements and all.

Looking through Old Clothes

I pulled out some old clothes I had packed away.  The largest size is a size 16 pants (usa measurements) and extra large shirts.  The smallest is like a 12 pants, I think.  And medium shirts.  I was able to put on one of the three size 16 pants…and button/zip it up.  But the legs were tight and I didn’t want to even try bending over, lol.  The other two I couldn’t even bring closed together.

 So it looks like I’m stuck for another month or so with these pants I have now.  One pair I got mad at yesterday because I kept having to pull it up while walking.  I literally was having to hold it up while walking.  I’m now having to wear my dress pants as walking pants, and it won’t be long before these start slipping down.  None of these pants have places for belts, but I’m probably going to have to put on a belt and wrap the top of the pants around it so they won’t be as annoying.  The other option is to wear skirts…or the two shorts I have.  The problem with that idea is that I don’t like to shave…and if I wear skirts or shorts, then I’ll have to.  *sigh*

 Soon I’ll have to purchase some new bras for daily wear as well.  The ones I have are getting loose and I have no size smallers.  I’ll probably do this when I actually fit into the size 16 pants.

 It seems that I had gotten rid of a number of clothes…keeping only those that I really really liked.  So as I reduce this weight, I’ll be wearing crosses between overly large shirts and fairly tight nice pants…or vice versa…lol.  Not too big a deal, considering I don’t work or anything and only go into town about once a week.

 Damn I can’t wait!!